Wednesday, October 1, 2014

You had ONE JOB!

I can not express how much this article hit home with me.
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It was actually a relief to read that many of the thoughts and feelings that I transition through everyday, week to week, month to month, are the same ones that other stay at home Moms
 ( And dads...maybe) also feel.

* I say "maybe" because I seriously think Men have this amazing way of not over analyzing or reading into things , thus allowing them to do what they want and not feel remorse or worry.
Which is awesome for them. But in the world of Stay at home life, it doesn't allow most of them to relate to a lot of these feelings.*

Anyway, back to the article.
There are many days that I wake up when Steve is hitting his snooze button for the 3rd time and it's still dark and rainy outside and I feel immensely guilty for knowing that I get to roll over and go back to sleep.
 I don't have to get dressed in work clothes and schlep out for a morning commute struggling to stay awake to get to a job.
I lay there and contemplate if I should get up too, for moral support.
 Maybe get some laundry done or make a hot breakfast so he isn't stuck with cereal again.
But I don't.

Then I attempt to fill my day with activities and junk to validate my worth of being home all day.
But somehow at the same time try to not spend money because that would just cancel out the fact that we got rid of Cable.
This is hard.

You can only go to the park so many times and push the swing before you want to run away.
Going to the mall to play on the indoor toys is alright, but do I really want to place myself inside a Mall and then not shop?!

This predicament usually results in grocery shopping.
 I get to "do something" and spend money but not feel totally guilty for it.
Then I can also tell Steve about the great savings I found using coupons and show him that I am worth more than just a lady to collects the UPS packages off the front porch. 

Then it's nap time and I am tired too.
Should I lay down and nap when Clark naps?
 I think about Steve at work and how he would probably give anything for a nap right now.
Here I am with 4 more hours of sleep than him and contemplating a nap.
 I feel guilty. I should clean or something.
Sell junk on eBay, work out, bake a pie..... anything besides nap. 
I lay down and nap.

If I am lucky, my dad stops by after work and watches Clark for a bit.
I can run errands alone, go to Hot Yoga or get my nails done.
All things I also feel guilty about. 

Steve gets home after his almost 2 hour commute ( one way) and I feel the need to list off everything I possibly can to prove how productive I have been today and not let him regret letting me stay home.  Trying to down play the shopping at the mall and getting my nails did part.
 If I'm extra productive I have dinner ready to eat for him.
I feel like that helps my case .
 When he comes home to no hot meal, I feel an ultimate low.
 Like the meme " You had ONE job!"
 ( Even though that's not entirely true... I did keep our child alive for yet another day!) 

It is nice to read that I am not the only one that struggles with these things.
 I am more like everyone else and not just some sad lady with low self esteem.
 Or maybe we all are just that.
But, hey, misery loves company.

I also realize the point of the article wasn't just to make me feel like part of the team but to chance my views on the whole situation. 
And it does. 
I never really thought of it as a luxury to my spouse.
Even though he happens to be one of the good ones and has pointed that out to me numerous times. 
I never took him seriously though.
It's like your mom telling you that you look pretty.
It just doesn't count.

Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone you don't know.

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